i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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