My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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