half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
