My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
