see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
We are two peas in an std pod
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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