oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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