she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
