i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
