what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
