Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize