My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
