I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
