i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
how do flat chested girls get laid?
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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