I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Randomize
