Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize