Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
