what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
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