I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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