I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Randomize
