you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
