Ambien. No doubt about it.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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