I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
