he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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