She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Also, beer. Big fan.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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