Sry I called you an 8
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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