whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
