Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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