i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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