I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
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