Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
the room spins SO much faster in panama
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
