He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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