I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
