I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
