I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
