I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
