I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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