the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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