I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
