I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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