Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
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