dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize