I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
