Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
My butt remains clenched, sir.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize
