i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
