Cold hands, warm shart.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
