I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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