Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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