I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
