new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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