i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
