I think I just saw someone hide a body.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Vodka?
Forever.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Randomize
