i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Why is your signature on my underwear?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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