I wish my penis had an off switch
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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