Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
