lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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