Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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