K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Randomize
