can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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