Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
