I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
