Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
