Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
