She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
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