And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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