my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
